We all wonder while we wonder, right? I do! Fact, I look back on events in life that have set things in motion and have had huge impacts on my life and those around me. I see it as partially God's intentions and partially as my dumb ass making stupid decisions (wrong choices). Irregardless of ones view's spiritually there will always be those that will never believe in a higher power or existence. For the record "I believe" with all my heart, "I believe". With that being said here's a little ditty about life, choices and a spiritual connections of and not of this earth.
Eight years ago this coming Labor day weekend I sat in my living room with father. We had been working on my house for days. It seemed we always had a project or two ongoing. This project was the result of a divorce. A new start at life so to speak. My father lay in the easy chair while I spread out on the couch. We were watching TV with the occasional comment about whatever came to mind. We were taking it easy! I asked my father if he truly believed in God. He said "yes, I do", "but there's allot of things of this earth that I don't believe in, but I believe in God". We had lots of political and religious discussions over the years but for whatever reason I felt the need to ask him that question. I knew his answer... I've asked him before! The night before He, my mother, brother and I went out to have dinner, see a live band. It was labor day weekend for gods sake we were together as a family and having a good time! Little did I know that would be the last time I got sit next to my father.
My Dad was a hard working man. He took care of his wife and children above all costs. Was it always pretty? Hell no it wasn't. He was real though. A man of much integrity and character. I watched him time and time again do the right thing when nobody was looking.
I received a call from my buddy Rick to go to Wild Wings Bar to get a bite to eat and have a beer. I had been riding my road bike (bicycle) 200-250 miles a week and working! Yeah I know, that's allot of miles. It took several thousand miles of sweat and tears to ease the pain that the divorce process had placed on me. It was debilitating, heartbreaking, crippling, unfair and down right wrong to say the least. I hate divorce.
Rick and I arrived at the Bar early afternoon. We bellied up so to speak.. We ordered our wings and had conversations about the up coming deer hunting season. Rick was new into the hunting arena and was full of positive energy and had lots of questions. Rick stepped outside to have a smoke. I sat at the Bar finishing my Wings and Beer. An old friend from many years back tap me on the shoulder with a big toothy grin and a big haven't seen you in awhile hug! He was outside having a drink with a couple friends and invited me outside to do the same. Rick was already at the outside Bar. I joined everyone in what was a pleasant evening out. My buddy was with two very nice ladies that he had just met. We all had introductions and round of drinks before deciding to exit this Bar for bigger and better things! Rick and I parted ways and I jumped into my buddies car and off we raced to meet our new lady friends at another bar. (I can't remember the name of the bar) Life was good! We met there had another couple of drinks before leaving to one of the girls houses. Yes, I was Nervous, scared to death! Luckily I was with a good girl that was easy going and great to talk too.
Terri and I were deep into conversation all evening long. Eye contact the entire evening. It was as if there wasn't another person in this world. Several hours after arriving at the other girls house Terri and I realized we hadn't so much as looked away from one another in hours. It was late! I looked at my phone. It was 1 a.m and I had fifteen (15) missed calls from my Mother and Brother. I looked at Terri and said there's something wrong. Excuse me while call my mother.
Ring....Ring.... Ring... Hey mom what's going on? Your Dad is having a Heart attack son. The Ambulance is here now, gotta go! Park West! click....
It was a surreal moment. The biggest, baddest, strongest man I had ever known was dying. "Terri, you have to take me to my vehicle now"! Please! My father is having a heart attack! Emotionally this set a chain of events that affect me till this day. As Terri dropped me from our evening of conversation she handed me her card and said she would love to see me again. "When the smoke clears" I said. I would love too see you again. I'm a firm believer that God places people in you life for a reason. I truly believe Terri was place in my life by God on that September evening 8 years ago.
Park West -"Dad! You hang in there! Don't you give up! You have to fight! I love you Dad....I love you"...
Forty-Five (45) minutes after I called my mother I was sitting in a waiting room after briefly seeing my father before they rushed him to emergency surgery. Just me, my mother and brother were there. My mother had an eerily calm demeanor about her. She knew already... (she told me years later that my father told her he was gonna die) I paced the floor. I watched as a heavy set surgeon and two female assistants walked this long hallway towards us. I was viewing this through a small glass window in a closed double door. "Mom, they're coming". I couldn't hear anything. It's like a dream and I was floating thru it... The opening of the doors shattered the silence of the room. It echoes in my heart today. It was my Dads soul leaving the building. "Mrs. Cross, with a heavy heart we regret to inform you that Jim didn't make it" - 40 Years I had with my father. He was a good father and an even better friend. What I would give to be able to talk to that man one more time. He knew the trials and tribulations of love and heartbreak. He has talked to me in dreams a couple of times. He showed me there was a heaven in one dream. Nobody will ever convince me otherwise...My divorce was all but final. I didn't even have an attorney. You see, I didn't want a divorce. It was all on my Ex. She's told me since then, in her eyes she thought we would start over. A divorce would be a new start for us. I didn't see it that way... I gave her everything and walked away. I signed the divorce papers without reading a single damn word! Her attorney shouted through the office window "You can't do that"! I shouted back as I left the building " I just did"! I remember taking a quick look back; He was shacking his head in disbelief. She went to the judge and requested the divorce. Not my monkey not my circus. The end ...or was it? Nah! this is where it starts getting good! Losing my father so suddenly gave me a true realization of how short and sweet life is. I didn't want to spend it arguing.
In the months to come Terri and I developed a bond unlike anything I've experienced. A bond in every way. We fell deeply in love with each another. Fact, I hadn't ever felt this way about anyone in my life. My Ex and I had allot of problems. One of them being expectations. She expected life to be one way after marriage and I expected it to be another! I could say "Black" she'd say "White". We were always like oil and water so to speak. We loved each other though. Two fools chasing love not knowing it was right there under our noses all along. After Terri and I fell as far "In love" as a man and woman can possibly get my Ex decides it's time we work things out! That's right! We're gonna go there. Again! For the sake of the child...honor...God's word... and vows... etc. etc.. Like a big ole dumb-ass I bit like a fat baby on a cooked carrot! I always wanted it to work with my wife. I wanted the relationship for my daughter and with my daughter. I missed one major thing in my decision to let her back in my life to repair the past. I was in love with another woman!
After a big long dear John letter to Terri saying goodbye Melanie and I sprinted off to the Beach with family and kid in tow. Nothing but blue skies and happy times to come! right? Several months later she sells the house in which we lived in and moves in with me. Through it all I'm in love with another woman. I bury emotions and feelings. I'm good at shit like that. I put everyone in my life through hell for FOUR YEARS! Four solid years I tried to make things work with my Ex while in love with another woman! How stupid am I you ask? Pretty damn stupid. I'm traveling the country as a "Professional Fisherman" Sponsored by a men's ministry group living the biggest lie in town! Let me set you straight on this... I wasn't intentionally lying to anyone. I was trying to protect everyone but myself about what I carried in MY heart. I didn't want to tell my Ex to the extent I loved another woman. I felt ashamed! That would hurt her very much, right? I cared for her feelings.. I didn't want to tell the woman I loved so much that it was truly over between us because I truly deep in my heart loved her. I was living a lie. A lie that will ultimately cost me love and respect. Two very valuable items in life. Everyone is damaged in the name if love now.
It's been Eight (8) years since my father passed. My Ex. has moved on to find happiness and I'm glad for it. She truly deserves it. There was a point in my life that I gave all I had to give her happiness. That was before I fell in love. Through it all I've learned allot of very valuable things about life and the human psyche. -
-First, I've learned that love has no limits or boundaries. Love travels from place to place. It comes through the door like a feather on a gentle southern breeze with the scent and aroma of all you could ever wish for. It's leaves like a freight train bound for hell, breathing fire and damnation, wrecking everything in its path, sucking the very life it gave you away.
-Second, I've learned that love is the most powerful thing known to man. It will make the strongest of hearts break. It will ruin the best of lives only to build them back even stronger. It will take the most honorable person on earth and make them do things for which they never imagined. Love has the power of God attached to it. Love comes in many different forms. Each with it's own power. Love has a price.
-Third, I've learned that above all else you must always tell the truth in regards to what you feel in your soul. Always! You have to honor what you feel in your soul! This is not easy, trust me. You have to be honest with yourself and everyone around you. Brutally honest.
-Fourth, I've learned that everyone wants love. Regardless of the form of love or how you choose to receive love, EVERYONE wants it at all costs.
Life in motion is a beautiful thing. It will bring us all love and despair. Through it all remain true to yourself and who you are. Above all, whenever life hands you love don't take it for granted. Take it and soak it up, every second of it. You never know when God's plan changes the coarse of life, but through it all and in every situation he will give you choices. Choose God and that path he wants you to take. Some may be life altering hard choices but you will always have those choices. Always make the choice of love and keep love and life in motion. Love is a gift from God.
I have come out the other side these past eight years and changed man. A Little older, a little wiser, a little grey hair... Whats left. Most of all I've come out the other side a humbled man that values life and love like no other! I am happy and humbled by all that God had shown me. Enjoy the years and the miles in your life. Enjoy love...
Happy Labor day weekend everyone,
B.
